This morning I was thinking a bit about the "Year of Suck" and a particular scenario resonated with me. The word that I think about mostly in conjunction with that year is "devastating." Some free association makes me think, devastation, obliteration, complete destruction. Like someone dropped a nuclear bomb onto my life.
They say that cockroaches can survive anything, perhaps even nuclear explosions. That year felt like a bomb was dropped, and then they decided to drop a few more for good measure, just to make sure they would kill the cockroaches. I think about how one thing was hard enough and then how everything else that followed was completely unnecessary, even if to just stamp out the remaining cockroaches.
.....
I'm also alerting myself to how I minimize the value of my emotions. Good coping mechanism but not very kind to myself. It's why I write about the above analogy - a voice in my mind tells me... a little melodramatic, don't you think? People will read this and think you're totally over exaggerating. I tend to hear that, believe it, and then ignore any strong feelings. I make myself write this, put it in public space so that voice in my mind doesn't win.
Regardless of whether or not this nuclear analogy is over the top, it's what I relate to and rings true to how I feel.
Reading back the first paragraph I noticed that writing "thinking a bit about..." minimizes the reality that lately I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed because of how sad I am. So not really "thinking a bit." More like can't stop feeling like crap about it.
