Last week was sobering. One friend's mom died after a decade long battle with cancer. Another friend's mom who had been fighting cancer found out she has 2-3 months left. Having been through the deaths of my own parents I didn't want to say anything to them, because I knew how little words mattered. I wrote a little email to each, trying not to sound too cliche, fearing I was anyway. No words could really express my joining with them in grief.

L had been keeping us updated and asked us to pray for a miracle, to pray for a complete healing for her mom. What a bold way to pray! As I was getting her emails, I couldn't help wondering to myself - in some ways isn't complete healing found in physical death?

When my parents died, there was this part of me that could access that thought. My mom was no longer trapped in her sick, physical body. She wasn't in pain anymore. And my dad was no longer being tortured emotionally. He wasn't in pain anymore. And that part of me could feel glad for them... and perhaps a bit envious.

Even with that thought, it didn't assuage the feelings of longing, the sadness of the void their persons left behind. There's not much you can do about that other than to just let yourself feel it. Feeling it meant they meant the world to me because as their kid they made up so much of my world.

...

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted. I like that in this verse there is a promise of future comfort. Not necessarily present comfort, but the hope that one day down the line comfort will come.

Full of it... Part Two

Ego strength: a person's capacity to maintain his/her own identity despite psychological pain, distress, turmoil and conflict between internal forces as well as the demands of reality.

Something I sometimes say about myself is that I have a lot of ego strength. On the positive side, I appear sure of myself and strong. On the not so positive, I come across as intimidating and difficult to approach.

I have never been one who was confused about my talents and strengths, my likes and dislikes. Even through teenage angsty years, I knew the places I could excel and gravitated towards those places. I think I can be pretty amazing!

But... at the same time I don't think or expect others to think I'm all that.

In fact I'm usually surprised when someone affirms me as being outstanding in a certain area. The desire for this kind of affirmation is unfortunately a bottomless pit. I love it and crave it and I can't get enough.

A paradox, yes. I think I'm pretty awesome yet I have a hard time believing others think I'm awesome.

My therapist is getting paid well.

Full of it...

When it comes to pride and humility, Paul can be very confusing! 

He says things like:
Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.

He also says things like:
Therefore I urge you to imitate me. 
Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ.

When Christians read Paul, we have to wrestle with how arrogant he comes across. We are uncomfortable because very few of us would dare make these claims out loud. When's the last time you told someone to be like you?

There's a lot preached about how sinful and broken we are. We are depraved people, there is nothing good about us. We are at the bottom of the barrel.

I think this is natural for many people to think because they have low opinions of themselves. They struggle with unworthiness. What to do for those of us who don't deal with low self-esteem?

I think I do a lot of things well. I try not to say it out loud because it bothers people. Recently I was asked to close a seminar where we weren't sure if *#&$ was going to hit the fan. When people asked how it went, I purposefully minimized it and said - oh, I just spoke for a few minutes, it wasn't really anything. With only a few did I dare to say - I rocked it.

I wish it was more acceptable to be excited and happy about accomplishments and have the freedom to convey that to others. Do I really need to wait for others to say, good job? Isn't that relying on the praise of men?

At the end of the day, I fully believe that any good that came out of me came from God. Whether it's natural or supernatural giftedness, he is the source and I'll proclaim that any day and any time. Also, I don't have much trouble recognizing how far I am from God's perfection. I just happen to do some things better than others. Does saying that count as pride?

With any sin there is a spectrum - pride is an obvious sin. We don't see self-deprecation as being as sinful, but I think it's a twisted form of godly humility. In some ways when we minimize our accomplishments, we also minimize the good God is doing through us. 

Even cockroaches wouldn't survive

This morning I was thinking a bit about the "Year of Suck" and a particular scenario resonated with me. The word that I think about mostly in conjunction with that year is "devastating." Some free association makes me think, devastation, obliteration, complete destruction. Like someone dropped a nuclear bomb onto my life.

They say that cockroaches can survive anything, perhaps even nuclear explosions. That year felt like a bomb was dropped, and then they decided to drop a few more for good measure, just to make sure they would kill the cockroaches. I think about how one thing was hard enough and then how everything else that followed was completely unnecessary, even if to just stamp out the remaining cockroaches.

.....

I'm also alerting myself to how I minimize the value of my emotions. Good coping mechanism but not very kind to myself. It's why I write about the above analogy - a voice in my mind tells me... a little melodramatic, don't you think? People will read this and think you're totally over exaggerating.  I tend to hear that, believe it, and then ignore any strong feelings. I make myself write this, put it in public space so that voice in my mind doesn't win.

Regardless of whether or not this nuclear analogy is over the top, it's what I relate to and rings true to how I feel.

Reading back the first paragraph I noticed that writing "thinking a bit about..." minimizes the reality that lately I wake up every morning not wanting to get out of bed because of how sad I am. So not really "thinking a bit." More like can't stop feeling like crap about it.

Feelings as accessories

My organization is obsessed with the Myers-Briggs personality assessment. I like to notice how long it takes for it to be brought up when a group of InterVarsity staff gather. Within the hour, it's guaranteed.

I'm an ENTP. I described to a student what being a T was like when it comes to how I handle my feelings. 

Feelings are like accessories. They're nice to have around and they may spice up life, but really, they are unnecessary.

I said this in an ENTP, devil's advocate, let's see how many feelers I can rile up way. Because no, I know that's not really how it works.

Sometimes Fs are appalled by Ts, wondering if we have a soul, wondering how we can come across as so heartless. 

Jingle bells, jingle bells...

The holidays are awesome! And by awesome I mean complicated and full of "fun" feelings. Here's how I mark the holidays. Thanksgiving: the last time I saw my mom in person. December: I was pregnant and on bedrest, so I was unable to be with my mom when she died. Christmas: I spent my first Christmas without my parents (they were both dead) or my brother (he was in Taiwan taking care of funeral arrangements). New Years: Isaac was born a preemie and my mom never got to meet him. So yeah. The holidays are AWESOME!

The reality for me is not that I don't feel. The reality is that I'm often feeling feelings that are beyond expression. If I'm paying attention to my feelings, I'm usually feeling devastation, disappointment, sadness, anger... all at the same time. It also hurts, literally.

The experience is best summed up by scripture.

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans.

- Romans 8:25-26

There are so many times that I sit to pray about this stuff and all I can say is... No words can express what I feel...

I know people wonder and are baffled at how I went through the "Year of Suck" and remain stoic or lackadaisical about it. I get the feeling they want me to express the feelings that are supposed to come with that kind of suffering. If I expressed those feelings to the extent that I really feel them though, the people who want to see them would probably regret it. 

I'm thankful that in the past few years God has provided the space, time, and people to be there for the moments when the floodgates open. 

But for now and for the most part, I'll just be groaning.

Rethinking Sunday

Recently I was hanging out with a mommy friend when the inevitable question of my job came up. It was more along the lines of "what exactly do you do?"

The conversation meandered to swapping faith backgrounds, and she told me that she was Russian Orthodox and her husband was Lutheran. She declared that she didn't like Lutheran church services.

How come, I asked.

She began describing how the services were so distracting because of how much they just talk at you. The long sermons where they just talk and talk and talk. She lamented that there was no time to think, reflect, and talk to God. In Russian Orthodox services, they were conducted in a language she couldn't even understand... and she loved being there to reflect on her week and to pray.

I found her observations so fascinating, and it reminded me how we often interpret experiences through our own lenses. I could imagine many typical Protestants assessing a Russian Orthodox service and criticizing how you couldn't learn anything because you couldn't understand what was being said. Because learning during Sunday service was essential.

But really, who gets to decide what "must be" during a church service? Do services have to involve lengthy sermons? From the few times I've been to mass, I will admit that often the simple message of a 5 minute homily stuck with me throughout the week longer than whatever I learned in a 45 minute sermon.

What if church was just the place you showed up to meet with God?

What if there were fewer pews to sit on and there was all this carpeted space for people to freely move around? Well, one benefit I could think of would be that it would be more conducive to lay prostrate. And wouldn't that be a particularly wonderful position to be in before God on a Sunday morning?

Unsettled...

I am what you call it... perturbed, disconcerted, dissatisfied, sad.

Over the last couple of days I have met with 3 new students who are coming from Chinese churches. Being from the same spiritual upbringing, I'm always interested to see the state of their faith when they start college.

Here's what I've learned so far:

Two of them talked about being affected by cliques in their youth groups. Another leader texted me later and said she had the same conversation with another freshman.

One of them told me of being asked to leave leadership and then told he would be helped to find a new church because of his attempt to be authentic and transparent about sin that he was repentant of.

One of them identifies as a Christian... when I asked her what grows her faith she said she likes going to camp and watching people be passionate and raising their hands while singing.

One told me about the discovery of high school youth group leaders getting drunk with other youth, and then many of them being asked to leave leadership... which more or less translated to them leaving the youth group. And then the pastor hearing from God that he was "purging" the group.

I love the Chinese church and at the same time I am saddened by its brokenness. From what I've heard the past few days, it seems youth pastors, etc. are unequipped to help high school students own their faith in this present culture. The extent of Christian expression is mostly through camps with spiritual highs and looking "righteous" on the outside.

I wish...

I wish someone had taught the students how getting drunk can be foolish and regrettable.

I wish someone had thanked the student for his risk in transparency and asked him to testify of God's conviction.

I wish someone had taught them about true hospitality - welcoming the stranger and being kind to those who aren't your friends.

I wish someone made sure that students were interacting with Jesus and not the culture, the people, and the emotions that run through the group.

I wish students could know that following Jesus can be EXHILARATING on a daily basis... not just when you go away to camp and attend an awesome musical concert.

Jesus, have mercy on us...

At the same time... I see God at work...

The student who told me that she was this close to rushing for a sorority and leaving Christianity altogether, but felt like her camp experience made her want to find a fellowship in college.

The student who says that high school was for God to strengthen her identity in him but she wants to be missional now... and role playing with her to invite her roommate to large group.

The student who still wants to know God even after being burned by the church, and praying for the first time in a long time.

Lord, it will always baffle me how in all this messiness you are still showing your redemption at work.


NOTE: I recognize this is all self-reporting from the students and there are two sides to every story. I am mostly disheartened to see this as a theme among the students I've been meeting. And I'm sure the pastors are trying their very best. I just think they are unequipped and often don't make good use of the resources out there.